


If I Let You Go

by lindsey_grissom



Category: CSI: Crime Scene Investigation
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-06-29
Updated: 2003-06-29
Packaged: 2017-10-10 13:22:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,774
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/100245
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lindsey_grissom/pseuds/lindsey_grissom
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>And once again I'm thinking of taking the easy way out.</i>  Grissom's been acting distant for a long time and Catherine has finally had enough.</p>
            </blockquote>





	If I Let You Go

**Author's Note:**

> Songfic based on Westlife's _If I Let You Go._ This was originally a one-shot, I then made the mistake of trying to extend it into a long fic which was abandoned almost as soon as I posted the second chapter. And so, I'm archiving it back in its original form.

_*Day after day   
Time passed away   
An' I just can't get you off my mind.   
Nobody knows, I hide it inside*_

He groaned slightly as he heard the knock from outside his office door. He didn't want to answer it; he simply wanted to go back to his thoughts and daydreams about her. His thoughts about how much he loved her, and wanted to feel her arms around him, and wake up beside her every morning. He longed to be with her so much, and now more than ever he wanted to be the father to Lindsey that she never had.

_*I keep on searching but I can't find   
The courage to show, to letting you know   
I've never felt so much love before*_

Then he heard the knock again, slightly louder than before, he sighed and rubbed the bridge of his nose.

"Come in." he called to the knocker.

The door opened slowly as she stepped in.

"Oh, hi Cath what can I do for you?" He asked slightly surprised and angry with himself for leaving her outside while he thought about her inside.

"I, um, I came to give you this." As she spoke her eyes never left the floor, even when giving the letter to him she couldn't bring herself to look into those eyes. _'Why am I so scared? He doesn't need me or want me so there's no reason for him to stop me.'_

"What is this?" The sound of his voice shocked her back from her thoughts and for the first time since entering his office, she found herself looking into his deep blue eyes. She could see confusion in them, but at the same time they were searching, searching her own eyes for answers. Fearing that he would find the answers she didn't want to give, she tore her gaze away from him to look at the letter he held in his hand.

"It's a letter of resignation, Gil, my resignation." She answered, trying not to look at him when she spoke.

"I can see that, but why? What's brought this on?" _'Was that concern in his voice? Of course not, he's already shown that he has no concern for me.'_

"I need a fresh start, everyone blames me for the explosion, including myself, and I can't work here with the guilt of knowing that I caused it, and now that Eddie's gone there is nothing to keep me and Lindsey here."

She knew that wasn't the whole truth, but she wasn't about to announce her feelings for a man that had kept himself as far away from her as possible the last few months, because that was the real reason she was leaving; she couldn't stand to spend the rest of her working life, working with someone that she wanted to be more than a partner.

_*I keep on searching but I can't find   
The courage to show, to letting you know   
I've never felt so much love before*_

This was the easy option, if she got away now, she may be able to move on, get a new job, a new house, a knew life and forget about the one person she really wanted. No this way was much safer; this way she would get the least burnt.

_*And once again   
I'm thinking about   
Taking the easy way out*_

He stood there in silence, he just wanted to take her in his arms and comfort her, tell her it was alright, but he couldn't, it would only make things worse. Instead he just stood there, looking at the top of her head, trying to meet her gaze. He couldn't just let her go like that, she wouldn't just leave because of what other people thought of her, she had come through so much already that something like this wouldn't have made her want to leave. There was something else. There had to be.

_*But if I let you go   
I will never know   
What my life would be   
Holding you close to me*_

"Cath, there's something else isn't there? Come on Cath talk to me." He didn't try to hide the plead in his voice.

She heard the pleading, but she ignored it, she was too focused on his words 'talk to me'. She could feel her anger rising inside her, but she could also feel the tears begin to form in her eyes. She wasn't about to let him see her cry, so she released the anger instead.

"Talk to you, talk to you. I've been trying to talk to you for months and all you ever did was dismiss me. You wouldn't work with me and worst of all you don't talk to me anymore! So before you ask me to talk to you, perhaps you should try taking your own advice."

As soon as she finished she regretted saying it. She forced herself to look up at him. She looked into his eyes, hoping to find the confusion that was there before, but instead she saw only guilt and sorrow. How she wished she could start over, see the smile that lit up his face when she had first entered.

_*Will I ever see you   
Smiling back at me?   
How will I know   
If I let you go?*_

He knew what she said was true, that was the worst part; he had kept her away. She had tried to talk but he had always found some excuse to leave - he hadn't been there for her when she needed him the most. This was partly to do with his hearing; he knew that if she spent much time with him, she would work it out, she knew him too well not to. But it was mainly because he loved her, he couldn't help it and he was scared that she would be able to see that too.

_*Night after night   
I hear myself say   
Why can't this feeling   
Just fade away?   
There's no one like you*_

"Gil, I have to go. I have people coming over to look at the house, so if there's nothing more I have to go?" Part of her wanted him to say that there was something more, that he wanted her to stay, but the other part knew that if he did say that she would stay and she knew that that would never happen.

"Cath, please I'm sorry I didn't let you in before, I'm willing to now."

"Well are you ready to tell me what is going on with you, why you have been so distant?"

_*You speak to my heart   
It's such a shame we're worlds apart*_

When she received no answer she turned to leave.

"In that case, when you are ready, call me and I'll come back." She couldn't say it, she knew she had to but she couldn't. How could she tell someone that she loved them, she had been hiding the feelings for so long that she wasn't sure if she could release them. But she knew she had to, otherwise she wouldn't be able to leave him behind.

As she opened the door she turned once more. And quietly she spoke the words she had been hiding, the words that, unknown to her, he wanted to hear.

"I love you."

_*I'm too shy to ask,   
I'm too proud to lose   
But sooner or later   
I gotta choose*_

Before he could reply she was gone. _'Did she say she loved me?'_ His mind was unsure but his heart knew the truth. Then he started thinking about what she had said; when he was ready she would come back. He didn't know what to do, he wasn't sure if he was ready to tell anyone about his hearing, but he definitely wasn't ready to lose Catherine. He knew what he had to do; it was the only real choice to make.

_*And once again   
I'm thinking about   
Taking the easy way out*_

As she walked through the corridors, she couldn't help but think how long they seemed. She just wanted to get away from this place, away from the people that would see her cry. She managed to hold onto some control until she reached the main doors. As she stepped out into the cool night air, she felt warm tears cascading down her cheeks, she let them fall, she didn't care anymore. She had just walked out on the man she loved and she couldn't believe that she would never see him again, or hear his voice. _'But this is the easiest way'_. She kept telling herself.

The shrill ringing of her phone broke the silence of the night. Wiping away the tears with the back of her hand she composed herself and answered.

"Catherine." She didn't sound quite as cheerful as usual but not as bad as she felt. There was just silence on the other end.

"Hello, is there anyone there?"

After several deep breaths he spoke.

"Catherine, come back, I'm ready to let you in now, I know I should have said this a long time ago, but I guess it took almost losing you to make me realise that I can't live without you and as hard as I try to think I can, I can't. Even though I know it will be hard for me to tell you what is wrong with me, I love you too much to let you go."

All the time he had been speaking he had been walking through the corridors towards the main doors. When he finished he found himself standing in front of her.

He could see the moon reflected in her bright blue eyes, he could also see the glistening of tears in them too. Taking her in his arms, he pulled her into him, in the embrace they both needed.

She felt him pull away from her, and looked up to see what was wrong.

"Catherine, can you ever forgive me. I never meant to shut you out; I thought it was for the best. I see now that it wasn't and I don't want to lose you." His voice was full of remorse and worry.

"Of course I can. I love you too, and I don't want to lose you either, you can tell me what's wrong when you are really ready, until then I am happy to be with you and wait."

"Good, me too."

_*And once again I'm thinking about   
Taking the easy way out*_

They once again embraced each other and stood for hours watching the stars above them. Both thinking the same thing.

This time they where taking the easy way out.


End file.
